Make It 'til You Fake It

So there was this place I got an interview at. As a matter of fact, it was the first place I had cold-called and got through to the person I wanted to speak to. I went to see him, and despite him not having not long to look at my work and my being incredibly nervous and slightly sweaty, he seemed to like my stuff. Said that he'd like to bring me on for a freelance project, and if that went well a 3 month contract, and if that went well a proper job.

I mean, yeah, I'd love a full real job, but I figured I'd take what I could get. So we played phone tag for a while, until eventually I was put in touch with the company's chief creative director in Toronto for a short phone interview, where he offered me a part time/contract-type position. Cool! I finished up my other interviews before accepting their offer. By this point, it was maybe 1.5 months after I started cold-calling/our initial contact. Thus is life. In any case, I told them I'd start in a week.

At this point I was bracing for impact. In the past, starting a new job is generally the one thing I can do that'll drape me if a soft blanked of excruciating anxiety, whereupon I feel the slight desire to projectile vomit out my nervousness. Good times.

Lo and behold, the first day of work rolled around and... It went fine, actually. I was a little jittery, sure, but as a whole I was pretty collected. I went in with the attitude that, "what's the worst they can do, fire me?" and proceeded to do the best I could. And if that isn't good enough, well, I'll just do more cold calling.

And I was fine with that. I think that by this point my nerves have hardened somewhat. It might be more than a little bit related to being cross-examined by border agents, walking into classrooms where I didn't know the profs or students or classrooms, moving in with people I'd never met before, and having lots of failed interviews that never went anywhere. That's right, I think that in some perverse way looking for work prepared me for getting work. Either way, it's good to know that I'm now able to man-up a couple rungs higher on the ladder than I've previously been able to do. Nerves of steel I have not. They're probably closer to damp spruce. But hey, that's better than the soggy newsprint it was a few years ago.

So, yes, I survived that first day of work. I sat on a meeting, did some simple layouts, a basic animation, and even joined in on a conference call for feedback with a freelancer. At the end of the day when I was inquiring to my boss about what hours he'd like me in, he told me that three days a week would be pretty good, and if I'm really desperate for more he'll make something happen. He just wants me to be honest and give it to him straight. And whatever I do, just don't go looking for other work.

I think that means I did pretty well.

On the way home I was giddy. Yes, I could relax a bit now that I was out of this scary, new environment. But more than that, damnit, I was glad to have worked a day as a professional designer in a professional design studio. Finally. I've been worrying and anxiously waiting for that day since I found out I was accepted at ACAD. Every day, "I'm doing this, I'm going to school and working hard so that I can get a proper position and start a career as a professional." Well okay, I may not have a full time position just yet, but I've managed a pretty big step in the right direction, thank you very much. I think I have half a calf through the door, never mind a mere foot. To say that I felt/feel like a weight has been lifted is a disservice. I felt a tangible, physical sense relief sweep through me.

Damn, what a good feeling. Finally.

And then, of course, the doubt set in. I was given a project to develop a mural for inside the office, and my point of contact was none other than the Chief Creative Director in Toronto. Holy crap. I'm not ready for this. I'm only suited for basic masking in Photoshop and making boring things move in After Effects. Worse yet, the CCD was expecting to see my concept pitch book within a day and a half.

I knew it. I should've known I wasn't cut out for this work. It was all too good to be true, and now I was about 36 hours away from being fired for incompetency. They'd find out I'm a sham, and I'd feel like an idiot for trying. And I might eventually build up the courage to try again, but it'll be difficult.

But fortunately for me, not to long ago I had watched a certain TED Talk by Amy Cuddy about body language and confidence. And while that was all well and good and quite interesting, what I seemed to take away from it was "fake it until you make it". Surely enough, that dumb little mantra that I've so often rolled my eyes at was the only thing that got me through the day until I got that concept book submitted. It was a real grind, but the only reason I finished up that book was because I decided all I could do was put on my best impression of a designer that was capable and knew what they were doing. I was a bit of a mess when I got home that night, but I survived one more day.

The next morning, my boss told me that the CDD was really happy with my work. He didn't really end up using any of what I've done, mind you, but I was glad I was able to impress the big guy in the company. It's only been two weeks, but I've got a desk and keys and a company email address and my own extension. I'll even be working a full week this week to cover for someone on vacation. And I'll be doing it again for someone going on paternity leave for a week.

Of course, I'm still petrified that I'll screw something up and that this is all temporary. The money is too good. It's only a matter of time before I really screw up something good. It's funny; I've been worrying about this opportunity for so long that I have a hard time believing it. I guess it's just in my nature to be a bit paranoid or skeptical. I'm definitely a believe-it-when-I-see-it kind of person. Hell, I was afraid to entertain the notion that I'd actually go to New York until I finally made it through airport security. But because employment like this is going to be an ongoing schtick, it's a lot harder to draw some finite line where I know I'm safe. I want to tell myself that line lies at the threshold of becoming a full-time employee, but I know that skepticism will lurk in the back of my mind even then. I'm sure I'll settle into it eventually. For now I'm still just a bit too worried to totally lean back in my seat.

That's alright, though. I'll just keep faking it and get paid to fake it. I can keep going like this for some time, I think.

There's been an unexpected side-effect of all this, though. I've come down with a severe case of consumer lust. I want a car. A computer. An apartment. New phone. Messenger bag. Games. Clothes. Everything. It seems like the exact same instant a single stitch has been pulled my pauper-like frugal fixation, the whole damn shirt just evaporates into a ball of thread I've happily tossed over my shoulder. I want it all. It's dumb and it annoys me to no end how impatient I've become for the wealth of the material world. I'm not making a ridiculous amount of money by any stretch of the imagination, but for a single guy it should be more than enough to live on. And yet there are student loans to pay off and retirement to save for and all that nonsense. Proper adult stuff to worry about. I've gone for so long pinching pennies that I'm dying to get up out of the cardboard box of frugality that I've been living in, stretch my arms out, and casually  point to the world before declaring, "Yeah, I'll take one of those and one of those. Heck, why not one of each?" I want it all. Do I need it all? Absolutely not. But I want it.

I bought a (not cheap) pie that other day on my way home for work, and I didn't even feel bad about it.

I've become a monster.

But for now I'm a monster professionally employed as a designer. I'm even referred to as a member of "the creative team". It makes me smile every time.
-Cril

I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something

I coulda gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something

I take it in but don’t look down

Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World