Holes

Ah, the end of the semester. I'm on my last project, it's due tomorrow. I'm actually on the easy part - I just need to plug in some content. But as these things tend to do, I'm rapidly losing steam. The hardest, easiest hurdle can be the highest and hardest one to have the motivation to tackle. But I'm probably going to be in good shape. This'll be another long night, sure. But it'll get done.

Over the last year or so, as I've gotten to know my classmates in the program, I've noticed a trend when it comes to the end of the semester. I get a lot of resentment. A lot of people tend to scoff and say what good shape I'm in. One person bugged me about 'I bet you've actually slept over the last two days haven't you? And eaten three meals a day, probably.' As if I magically have the capability to plow through my assignments in record time with no effort. I kinda take offense to it, in some way. I could list all the things I do that allows me to be in such 'good' shape to them, comparitively. But it isn't a contest. It just feels like I get put on some alternate plane where I automatically don't have to try. I'm some mindless, production robot. Nope, not an ounce of strain or stress on my part. Not at all. What right do I have to complain when my projects aren't going to plan or I'm not feeling confident about it? Bleh. Ramblerambleramble.

It's now been about a week and a half since I last drove my car. There's a hole in my heart where that belongs. There's nothing else to say here that I haven't mentioned in some of the MANY other posts where I talk about my car problems. It's a thing. A stupid thing. It shouldn't matter. But it does, and not getting to drive my car is really eating away at me. Bleh.

Last week, shortly after my car b0rked on me, I had a project I needed to travel across the city to do. Graciously, my uncle and aunt lent me their spare car so that I could go do it. I'm so lucky to have great people on hand that care for me. But I digress. The car didn't have an auxillary plugin for the stereo. So after a few minutes of getting frustrated with trying to listen to radio, I gave up and went the rest of the way in silence. Then when I arrived, I wasn't in a setting where I could listen to my iPod. So I did the project for a couple hours, packed up, and traveled back in silence. I wish I could say something about how profound it was to listen to the world for a change instead of earbuds, but it wasn't. I went that entire morning without my music, and man did it leave a void. Every morning, every morning I commute with music. It was such an alarming break to the routine. I'm not even sure if 'routine' is the right word - it makes it sound so plain and mundane. It made the rest of the day feel unusually surreal, actually.

Anyways. My eyes grow blurry. I need to get this last project done.
-Cril

Moby - Slow Light