It's the worst Christmas by the numbers, that is. Not many presents, barely any money. Fewest amount of family at home. Least amount of time spent together. A complete lack of energy and enthusiasm. 'Christmas cheer', it seems, has been a rather elusive beast this year. No one, no one, in my family was feeling it this year.
But you see, it still turned out to be a pretty good time. We all knew it was shaping up to be a crappy Christmas, and that no one really had any drive to do anything about it. So we... Took it easy. Sure, from a more traditional standpoint, everything was rather pathetic. But being there, it turned out alright. Not fantastic, but it was still a good time, for sure. We hung out, and shared low expectations. Not so much celebrating Christmas as trying to enjoy what little, brain-dead and disjointed time we had together. We all felt kinda bland, but we felt bland together. And that made it alright.
Point in case? When I arrived earlier in the week, neither my brother or I had figured out anything for Christmas gifts. So we went shopping. Bought some bulk candy, which we picked at for a bit before dividing up. Then we went to various stores and malls for several hours. Eventually we ended up in a department store where, being the shining examples of mature, responsible adults that we are, we bought every member of our family Nerf guns. It was stupid, but it was perfect. We all spent 10 minutes laughing like idiots this morning, after we unpacked, loaded, and took potshots at eachother. And we continued to chuckle like idiots while we hunted around the house for many of the spent projectiles that will probably stay hidden under various furniture for months to come.
So it turned out okay, I think, because of the mutual lack of enthusiasm. We shared it together, and that's what made the whole thing bearable.
I'm having a rough time disengaging from the semester. There was so much work that I had to get done, and to just flick that switch off... It's pretty jarring. And I have things to do over the break, for sure, but I find myself finding more things to do, because I feel the overwhelming urge to compensate for the lack of homwork. I feel bad for spending so much time being unproductive. I guess that depends on how you want to define word, though. It's unproductive from the school definition - crossing things off lists, seeing tangible results, accomplishing tasks, logging hours. But perhaps being unproductive in that vein is productive in another way - maintaining... Me.
I can't measure how much I've improved with playing an instrument over the past few days (and if I could, I'm sure it'd be depressingly low), but I know that I've gotten something else out of it. I've sat there and played for what feels like minutes (nothing good, mind you), and it feels great. Well, great with a fine coat of guilt on top of it. "You should be getting x or y or z done...". I've also been sketching more than once a day. In years past it has felt like a bit of a chore, but less so this time around. Sometimes inspiration or capability doesn't come, but overall it feels less like I'm banging my head against a wall.
This might all be the result of how long I've been trying to keep myself folded up into the box of homework. Now that I do have the time to let it out, it flows easily. But it flows with chunks of guilt bobbing in the waves. Should be doing stuff. Should be working. Should be, should be, should be... And I have been getting some stuff done. Small things, but things all the same. But it's never enough, is it? Bleh. Bleh, I say.
-Cril
Whoa there Santa you gave me a scare
Now stop teasin' 'cause I know you're there
We don't believe in no goblins today
But I can't explain why I'm shakin' this way
Louis Armstrong - 'Zat You, Santa Claus
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